• www.vickimcleod.com/reallyreakl

    The one where Vicki gets real. Really real.


    It’s been a rough couple of weeks in multipreneurship land.  After ‘hiding out’ in the challenges I  faced, laying low, withdrawing (sound familiar?), I felt what I can only describe as a sudden pull to disclose what I was feeling – publicly.

    Not usually a fan of TMI (Too Much Information) being posted on social media, I am a fan of the #thisisreal perspective promoted by authors Christina Crook, Anne Lamott and others. It proposes that we go behind the ubiquitous pretty pictures and share our real struggles.

    So last Friday, I followed the strange pull, and I did. 

    Here is the post:

    Warning: contains self-disclosure.

    I’ve been a little quiet online, lately. Partly I think it is the result of having been on extended holiday in Europe recently, traveling to different time zones and being filled with bright, shiny, amazing new experiences every day and wanting to give that experience lots of breathing space – lots of time to reflect and savor. Not wanting to let go of that feeling of being anonymous in the big world.

    Then I returned home to head off on a retreat, taking myself completely off-line for three days and leading a group in the discovery process around the JOY of missing out. I always come back from these retreats more thoughtful, reflective, and grounded. But there’s something else going on here too. Life feels difficult at the moment.

    My work has gotten really hard. Partly, it is that I am taking on new clients with different edges, and stretching myself into work of a larger and more national scope. I’m kind of used to stretching, but I’m feeling the aches and pains of it this time around. Usually, I feel super competent and have a lot of confidence that I can take on and deal with whatever is brought to me in terms of client work or new opportunities.

    Right now, though, I don’t feel very confident. I feel kind of small.

    I’m grateful for the people who work with me, all of who regularly check in, offer to help, take things off my plate, but I know this is not about them. There is a way that being in business for yourself can feel lonely. You can get isolated, and when you’re leading in your work, it can feel like you just need to put up or shut up when things start to go sideways.

    I’m not even sure things are going sideways. From the outside, it probably looks like a great period of expansion and growth. And that’s true. It’s also true that it’s really hard. Harder than I thought when I took it on. Does this ever happen to you? You find yourself in the middle of something saying to yourself: “Why did I ever think this was a good idea?”

    While I’m in the middle of this turbulent trip down the crazy river, people I dearly love are going through really difficult times in their personal lives. This brings with it for me a mix of feelings that is a combination of helplessness and frustration – and big sadness.

    This place I’m in may also be ‘time of life’. I’m heading toward 60, and the water I’m swimming in has gotten tricky. I don’t have the same resilience I had when I was twenty years younger. I don’t even have the same resilience I had when I was ten years younger, or even five for that matter. My friends and family are all aging. Shit’s happening. It really sucks.

    I don’t mean to sound crass or heartless, in fact the opposite is true. I’m heartbroken. Fragile. Tiny. The world is too big for me this week. Thank god it’s Friday.

    The reaction? Listen in to this week’s podcast to find out….

    Additional Warning: Contains outpourings of love.

    Everyday Happiness: The Pajama Podcasts, Episode 15-46